Sitting On The Dock of the Bay

Hey All.

I'm back in San Francisco. The two month trip to Japan was extraordinary. It is an amazing country and the people are superbly polite, cultured and fascinating. I can't begin to praise them enough. From the relaxing onsens (public baths) to their amazing subway system, the cleanliness of their city, their attention to detail, the crime-free safety of their streets, they have a lot we could learn from. I will catch up with you all individually soon, but wanted you all to know I'm home safe, but feeling a little culture shocked on my return.

Here are two more pics that I think are unique to Japan. The first is a photo of banana cases you can buy to store those precious bent fruits.

The second is a notice I saw at a restaurant on my last night there. It speaks for itself.

Chikan

With only a couple of days left in this truly wonderful and amazing place, I thought it would be in bad taste to rag on the Japanese.

Then I thought ... what the hell.



Sneaked onto the women's only car of the Saikyo railway line this morning two minutes before I was supposed to. During rush hour, the first car is for women only. Why? To help curb chikan. This is where men molest women in public. The women, ashamed, or frightened, apparently just tolerate this. Here's a mild form of it someone managed to video and sneak onto You Tube.



Having shown this, I want to add that Tokyo is an extraordinarily safe and wonderful city. My "love" and "didn't love" lists will be coming in the next couple of days. So will I ... err, back to San Francisco, that is.

Gone Shopping

Won't be any blog updates for a day or two as I've gone shopping. And I bought a big, expensive, incredible, unique gift just for YOU. God, I really hope it doesn't get lost in my luggage on the way back.

Vote For Me, I'm Noisiest

It's local government election time in Tokyo and candidates are making their presence well-know by driving through the narrow streets of their constituency in vote-me-mobiles. Rigged atop these minivans of democracy are loud-speaker systems that really bring home each candidate's message, even if you're legally deaf.

How loud, you ask? I bought myself some noise-canceling headphones for the flight home. They are effective enough that I can not hear a bus or truck drive past me on the street, a train go overhead when I walk under a bridge (then how do you know one went over, hmmm?) or the spine-ripping shrieks of school girls. These headphones are totally ineffective against the vote-me-mobiles.

I wanna see Hillary in one of these vans.

Commie Bastards

Wow. Are they allowed to just, like, have a building out in the open like that? Aren't they supposed to be underground? Their office is on Meiji-Dori, half-way between the two major city hubs of Shinjuku and Shibuya, around the corner from the Meiji Shrine. They might be commie bastards, but at least they know prime real estate when they see it.

You know what - bite me! It's a slow news day. Hey, I'm down to my last week and just revisiting the places I really loved (e.g. Commie Central Building) and finally doing some shopping.

Earie Discovery...

Remember those days before American Idol when there was nothing on TV so your mum would throw you on her lap and stab a miniature camera in your ear so everyone could see your brain on the big screen while eating TV dinners? Course you do. Well you can re-live those fun days of your youth with the new Ear Scope!



Okay, this is not a fake. It's for real. And there are loads of other devices also available for viewing the insides of one's ear. I mean, what could be in your ear that's so fascinating that you'd want to watch it on TV ... indeed on your HDTV. And look at the smile on that woman's face? "Honey, you think this hurts? Wait until we buy the home colonoscopy kit!"

Crispy or Puffy?

Really, haven't we done enough to these people? Britney Spears, Coke and McDonalds, and now ... Krispy Kreme Donuts.



See that line. It snakes around a huge square. A sign warns of a 90 minute wait until donut nirvana. I've seen it at night, after work hours, dark and rainy, where the sign indicates it'll be more than two hours. Where's the UN when things like this happen?

I recently read an article in the Australian newspaper, the Age, which claims the new Japanese taste for American junk foods like Krispy Kreme will cause health problems. Duh! Really? And of course, since you waited for 2 hours, you might as well make it worth your while, so everyone who walks away does so with at least a dozen donuts, usually two or three.

Rose By Any Other Name

How honest of Japanese men to admit they stink and that's why women won't touch them with a barge pole. It couldn't have anything to do with air sex, or that men read rape manga in public and perform chikan on trains. Hell no. It must be that they're not rose-scented.

Well, they are now. Thanks to Rose Menthol Gum.



This gum is not only rose-flavored, it creates a rose-scented body odor for an hour or two after mastication. At almost twice the price of regular gum, it sells out so quickly it's almost impossible to find.

But I have some. And like the socks that make you lose weight, I will be selling the gum in the U.S. at an obscenely high mark-up.

I've also had trouble finding deodorant in Tokyo for men. It just doesn't seem to be available. Do you think that would help with body odor? Also, I wonder if the men here would smell better if they weren't chain-smoking, beer-guzzling, squid-munchers. Just a thought.

Rainy Daze

It's raining heavily and constantly in Tokyo at the moment. I took a walk this morning before the showers settled in, but nothing to report. I've been forced to watch TV with mind-boggling commercials like this:

Mount Fuji? I Don't Even Know Her!

Yesterday was my sixteen hour Mt. Fuji adventure, beginning with a 5:30 am rise to catch a 7:00 am bus to Fuji-Q Highland, the theme park at the base of Mt. Fuji.

The purpose of the trip was threefold: to see Fuji, to ride Eejanaika, and to visit the spa resort near the theme park.



Fuji-Q Highland was very cool. A number of great roller coasters, with Eejanaika being the main attraction. This muther spins you 14 times in the fourth dimension while you're looping and seemingly free-falling.



In fact, it has so many loops that it currently holds the Guinness Record for the greatest number of inversions in the 4th dimension... basically it's the gut-sludgingist roller coaster in the world. And they proudly display the paperwork at Eejanaika's entrance:



When you board any of the roller coasters, the attendants interact with you ... shouting things and waving their arms (this might just be, "you're going to die, gaijin pig") and applauding when you safely return ("yay! we don't have to clean up blood this afternoon"). One of the cuter little additions were the safety signs, which looked like this:



Based on the pic, I would imagine clothes flying off to be the greater problem.

There were other rides, some cooler than others. My second favorite was a haunted hospital. It had once been a small hotel on the park's grounds and now transformed into something that so closely resembled Silent Hill that there must be some copyright infringement going on.

Entered. Got the rules in English. Number one is no photos (sorry). Number two is don't hit the zombies, they're just actors. Basically it's a fully-decked out maze with loads of moody props. You get a penlight to guide you there are people dressed as zombies lurking in the shadows who will leap out or follow you around. One guy was sitting in a dark cafeteria area, made-up as a zombie, tapping at a table with a butcher knife. I couldn't help wonder if he was thinking, "What the fuck am I doing with my life that this is my job?" But that's breaking the mood.

They only allow people to go in small groups at a time and as I was heading in, two Japanese girls asked if they could go with me. Sure. Why not. Brandishing penlight, we headed through the hospital. The setting wasn't so scary if you get off playing Silent Hill and Resident Evil (I do), even when we were trailed by zombie doctors or had people jump out at us. But having the fingernails of the two girls dig into my arms as they hung on to me for safety wasn't fun.

The maze takes about 15 mins to walk through and at the end, a pack of zombies chase you out. Problem is that I'd banged up my legs on another ride and really couldn't move fast. So the poor zombies had to kind of slow down their pace as they were chasing me. I apologized that I couldn't run faster. As I was leaving, one of them shouted, "Hey George, you're really cool ... don't get scared..." I asked why the zombie had called me George and was told that they just took a guess that that was my name. George, of course, is the name of my dead father. Fittingly eerie end ...

The high winds shut down some of the other rides but the Ferris Wheel (which is like taking an elevator to the top floor of a building before realizing you don't want to be there and taking it back down) was working, so I took a ride and was glad I did. Mt. Fuji is really amazing:



From there I headed to the nearby onsen - the public bath. Someone has to introduce these to the United States. Just wonderful. A wooden, glass, slate, and granite structure with seven different kinds of bath, including an outdoor garden pool, and a sauna and steam room. An hour here and I was ready for sleep.

The bus got me back to Shinjuku about 10 pm. It was strangely comforting to be back in downtown Tokyo and felt very much like I had returned home. Okonomiyaki for dinner and it was a quick JR ride train home to Meguro and bed. Great, great day.

Calorie Mate

Get a piece of dog shit (or cat, but dog is better), compress it until it's the size of a small brick and then bake it in the sun for a few days and you'll have yourself a Calorie Mate bar. That is the best way to describe the look and texture of these health bars.

They come in chocolate, cheese, fruit, vegetable and a new flavor I haven't worked out yet. They all taste identical but they're actually pretty good and satisfying and I keep one in my bag all the time (except when I'm eating it, but then I get another to replace it when I'm done.)

Don't believe me they're good. Well, Jack Bauer has been advertising them in Japan and would Jack lie?

God Bless the Tortoise

At Meiji Shrine yesterday which, while being a little touristy, is really a magical place. In the main square sits a huge tree around which Ema votive tablets are placed.



There were absolutely thousands and thousands of these and since they are dated, it looks like they're taken down at night and a few more thousand placed the next day. These are prayers offered up to the deities at the Shrine in what must be the earliest version of spam ever recorded.



Overwhelmingly, people asked for world peace, an end to the Iraq war, understanding amongst all people, healthy and happiness for their respective family and friends. And then there was this:

Kurt Vonnegut

Well there aren't many public figures whose death can bring me to tears, but Kurt Vonnegut is one of them. He died today, at the age of 84.

I'd actually been thinking about him the last days. He once wrote that the world needed a little less love and a little more common decency. I complained that this was the ramblings of an old man when I read that in my early 20s and my partner at the time, Anne, said that one day I would realize he was right. He was. I've been thinking how right those words are while walking around Japan.

If you haven't read any Vonnegut, you should (and should also be ashamed at yourself). And if you haven't seen Rodney Dangerfield's "Back To School" take a look. Dangerfield plays a middle-aged man who buys his way back into school. In one scene, he hires Vonnegut to write a paper about Vonnegut and the professor fails the paper. Dangerfield berates Vonnegut (who plays himself) and it's a small, priceless scene.

The world really is a little poorer today. :(

Empty Car

You know you're in trouble if your train looks like this.



I read an article the other day where the Japanese tourism minister wants to increase the number of English-speaking people who come to Japan. Here's a thought - throw us a bone!

I know that incorporating English will destroy their culture, but once you get out of Tokyo (and not all that far out of Tokyo), you're not even giving Romaji to work with - it's all Hiragana or Katakana.

I was convinced that I was on the right train and despite everyone getting off, I still had three stops to go. Determination won out! I stayed on the train, ended up at the terminal station where the driver walked through the train, talked to me in Japanese (I'm sure it was a polite version of "you dumb-ass Ausmerican jerk, that was the last stop and now I will take you to the robot-factory where you will be turned into an electronic slave"), and then drove the train back to Tokyo.

I also love this pic on the trains which is supposed to indicate the guy sitting down is an a-hole for taking up too much space, but really it's a warning to all those superheroes with electricity or fire emanating from their bodies, right?

I've seen people do this on BART, and have seen other people do a little more than give them disapproving sideways looks.

100 Most Influential

Big thanks to my buddy Asher, Tom Asher for sending me this link to a website that lists the 100 most influential people in history, according to a Japanese poll.

Each name has a wikipedia link to it in case you have no idea who that person is. Jesus, Hitler, Paris Hilton and Colonel Sanders don't get a mention, but Freddy Mercury comes in at No. 52! Who knew the Japanese were such closet Queen fans.

Driveway Men

Here are the facts:

• There are more old people than ever before and because of shoshika there are fewer young people to take care of them.
• The Japanese don't have Matlock or bingo clubs to occupy the old men.
• Japanese older women understandably don't want their male partners hanging around the house all day.

So what do you do with all these old men? You turn them into Driveway Men, of course.



Virtually every public driveway in Tokyo is manned by two or three guys, usually older, pimped out in their uniforms and brandishing glow in the dark batons to help drivers enter or exit driveways. And boy do these guys take their job seriously.

When a car comes, they burst into action like penguins on acid, flapping their arms around and letting everyone know a car is coming. It seems like overkill, but actually it is probably very helpful to a driver who might be otherwise stuck for seven or eight years waiting for foot traffic to slow enough to sneak through.

Japanese Air Sex

I think this contravenes the Kyoto treaty, which was designed so we'd stop fucking the air.

Japanese Are Off Their Melons

Today I visited Midtown Tokyo, a new upmarket mall in the ritzy neighborhood of Roppongi. It opened just a week ago, so it's brand spanking new, and really ritzy. You all have upmarket malls where you live, so I won't bore you with the details. I'll focus on Sun Fruits.

Now I've spent perhaps a little too much of this blog on fruit and fruit prices and poop (there is a causal relationship), but this will be hard to beat.


Sun Fruits looks more like a jewelry store than a fruit shop. There is security and salespeople in suits will help you decide which fruit is right for you. I didn't actually see anyone chat with the check-out chicks, who only seem to be there to package the fruit you and your sales assistant decide on.

The fruit is well-presented on glass shelves. There is a refrigerator at the back of the store where the expensive fruit is stored. This is locked, but your sales assistant is more than happy to unlock it once you have made your selection.


Now I thought I had hit the jackpot when I found this mango that you can take home for the princely sum of $180 US (or $221 Aus). The thing is, I expect mangos to be fairly fragrant and this was not. Of course I was not able to squeeze it and shove it under my nose for a really close sniff. Oh, I tried, but the sales woman (in suit, mid-40s, friendly but stern, probably with a hidden katana under her skirt) made it clear I wasn't to touch.




Then I ventured back to the refrigerator and saw what must be the ultimate. A melon. A rock melon. A common cantaloupe that will cost you a buck or two at most, coming in at $352 US ($431 Aus). Here it is. Click on the pic to take a look at the price label of 42,000 Yen if you have any doubts:



Take another moment to think about what you could spend $352US on. A really nice pair of shoes. A weekend away. Your gas bill for half the year. A small TV. Groceries for a couple of weeks.

What's amazing is that there was an empty case next to it, indicating someone had bought one. Now of course people can spend money on whatever they want, but when anyone complains about how Americans and Australians waste money on stupid things, I can offer up the $352 Japanese cantaloupe in our defense. Sorry to sound small-minded, but I just find it obscene.

If there is a more expensive melon in this city, I don't want to know about it, so you can feel confident this ends my outrageously over-priced fruit monologue.

Deliciously Spends

Ah. I will make no comments about this. I saw this sweater on a young woman in Shibuya. I like the blunt honesty of the comment. Maybe this could start a whole new trend where we wear shirts that explain how we treat people, leaving no guess work at all. Colonel Sanders could have: "Will marinate your children in seven herbs and spices and eat them!"

I Will Eat Your Children

This crispy life-sized effigy of the Colonel haunts the entrances to a great number of KFCs around Tokyo and is easily one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen.

The first time I saw it, I heard The Colonel's voice in my head say: "Give me your children. I will eat them. Yum... ggrrrrmmm ... grrrmmmm..." No, I haven't become more psychotic than usual, but there's something about his outward reaching hands that is just plain creepy. As always, click on the image for a closer look.

Same Price

I love this sign on top of a greasy-looking restaurant in the Akihabara, electronic store area of Tokyo. It just sounds like such a complaint: "Everyday... the same low price ... all day long is heat and sheet..." (Sorry, private joke for about 3 people reading this blog.)

Happy Easter

Easter in the land not of the Rising Son
Zen bunnies uncross hot buns
Teriyaki chickens do not lay chocolate eggs

Cherry Sludge

Ah, the hidden cost of Cherry Blossom ... Cherry Sludge!

The blossoms are all but done now. They only lasted a few days in full bloom. And for a while we were treated to gentle snow of blossom leaves that was really quite magical.

Snow has the good sense to melt into water, but the blossom is just collecting. The Meguro river seems to be collecting this cherry-colored sludge in little putrid, fetid pockets. Ah, how quickly the good things pass.

Eye Poppin' Cherry

Wow. I did take a pic of a $90 melon I found, but right next to it was this box of cherries that cost, at current exchange rates, $169 US dollars. There are 54 cherries in the box which means each cherry is worth $3.13. For one cherry. Let me know who wants to start a cherry import/export business to Japan with me.

Unfortunate Placement

These pics of store signs were taken in the gay hood.

And I checked and double checked ... It really says Home Cocking and not Home Cooking.

And to answer your questions:

1. Yes, I do have a maladjusted, puerile sense of humor.
2. No, I don't laugh at fart jokes. Usually.

Tissue Men

Yeah, the melons are $60 each. A slice of decent cheesecake will put you back $10. And all Mac computer products and really expensive (oops - scratch that ... they're really expensive everywhere), but at least you don't have to buy facial tissue in Tokyo.

Thanks to the Tissue Men.

God bless them. These guys hand out small carry packs of tissues at most heavy traffic areas such as Shinjuku, Shibuya and Ikebukuro. Okay, there's one catch - each tissue pack has a little advertising card in it. But I think that's a small price to pay for free tissues. But the advertising seems to be important to these guys because they don't just hand out their tissues willy nilly. Oh no, they target recipients and will cross city squares just to thrust a tissue pack in the face of someone they think should receive them.

Naturally they're all young and should probably get a life, but hey - it keeps them off the street. Er, well, not really.

Speaking of tissues, nothing is said when someone sneezes here. Freaks me out. I understand the hesitation in blessing people, but even the Germans have "Gesundheit" which I believe means "I wish you good health" - a nice thing to say when someone has just nasally sprayed bacteria in a 20 foot radius.

Rocket Dog Crap

This is an unpaid unadvertisement.

Like most things that come out of L.A., Rocket Dog shoes look good but are crap quality. I picked up a pair of these Converse knock-offs not realizing they were "cool". Wore them twice and they have already started falling apart.

Granted my walks tend to be of the 5-6 hour variety, but that's not the point.

FDA* Approved

Wow. Roll your cellulite away with these sexual-massage device lookalikes. Or want to lose weight with no effort at all? Try these socks and stockings that apparently burn up calories just wearing them.

There's even a pic of a pig on the packaging in what must be the lamest example of subliminal advertising EVAR! Do they really think that people are stupid enough to believe if you wear these socks or stockings, you'll lose weight? Sheesh! How pathetic, dumb and self-conscious about our physical appearance do they think we are?

Socks are $40 each and I will take orders via email.

(FDA = Fat Dumpy Asians)

Train of Thought

It only happens on the Yamanote line, which is arguably the most popular and used line in Tokyo. There are small screens above the doors in each subway car. One offers a map of stations on the line, in both English and Japanese. The other plays little ads, one minute quizzes sponsored by Sapporo beer (because if you are shown an orange, a cat and a bridge and can't figure out which is the odd one out, then you haven't drunk enough beer) and one minute English lessons.

The English lessons change weekly. They're introduced by the same lame blonde chick and mostly they teach business English. Last week the Japanese got taught the essential English phrase "clear the decks". It's probably not apparent in the pics, but the etymology was offered, complete with pictures of 19th century sailors clearing the decks.

My only concern is that the example they use is a bit odd: the boss is coming, lets clear the decks. I hope they managed to differentiate the words decks and desks. I can just see office workers all over Tokyo completely clearing off their desks every time the boss shows up because a little screen on the Yamanote line train told them to do it. Of course "decks" is one vowel away from another English word, the widespread clearing of which could prove painful for the male population of Tokyo.

It Was Okay...

... but extraordinary? Nah. The hyperbole the Japanese bestow on their public transport is quite remarkable. I saw the bus stop. It was nice and all, but it was not all that and a bag of chips.

And I've read the rest of the sign maybe fifty times and still can't figure out what it's trying to say. The English teachers that come here from Oz, the US and Britain are doing a bang-up job, don't you think?

Fashion Sense and Sensibility

As y'all know, I'm not the world's most fashion-conscious person (gross understatement) and tend along the lines of "the clothes do not make the man". Of course, I've started wearing Guess clothing, but that's because I get a 50% discount there.

The Japanese live for fashion. Don't let the perception that they are a spiritually rich country fool you - they are as obsessed with outward appearance as much (or more) than anyone. And it's interesting that some people, mostly young, choose to express their individuality through their clothing. I've always thought it kind of stupid to show you're unique by wearing clothes designed by someone else and worn by any number of others.

On the flip side of this, it's interesting to see so many men dressed in crisp, nicely-tailored dark suits. The suit is to the Japanese what jeans are to San Francisco, and hell is being a private investigator having to tail a 30-something Japanese guy in a dark suit through the streets of Shibuya at peak hour and working against a deadline.

It's also interesting that so many straight men are not only obsessed with fashion, but choose to dress in clothes that we would consider too feminine. Tight shirts with frilly, laced edges. Shoes that almost look like stiletto heels to me. In fact, having walked around the gay area, my perception is that the straight men of Tokyo are more fashion-conscious and their dress-sense more feminine based than the gay men. It's an odd cultural quirk.

But there are also many misses. It's hard to walk up to someone and snap a pic of an outfit that just doesn't work, but I'm trying. The pic here is of a guy wearing a suit jacket with the shoulders cut out. Why? WHY? Maybe if he had shoulders like Thor, there'd be a point, but right now all it's doing is providing ventilation.

It's Real!

There is a TV series in Japan called "It's Real!" Each hour-long show is broken up into segments showing real videos of real ghosts.

A woman at the local store told me about it and let me borrow one. She said that most people in Japan find this utterly terrifying.

The first pic here shows a guy in hospital. One sweeping shot reveals a Ju-on type ghost head peeping out from beside the bed to take a look at him. That night, the guy in the bed died ...

The second pic shows a little girl in front of a three panel mirror. Her mother takes video of the girl talking and brushing her hair but one time when the girl turns around, her reflection in one of the mirrors does not ...

I returned the DVD and the woman asked me if I was scared. I said not really and that if she had ever seen Ghostbusters, she would know we like to vacuum up ghosts in the U.S.

She asked about the mirror, as this was the one that scared her most. I told her that obviously it was a faulty mirror, but couldn't see how it was ghost-related. It's an old mirror, she told me, and there are ghosts living inside of it that did that to the reflection. I said that if it was real, it was more likely to be a breach in the time-space continuum and that she should brush up on her quantum physics. I don't think she got it.

We talked about horror movies. She said that Japanese are not scared of American horror movies that rely on things jumping out, or on blood and gore. She said Japanese are scared of ghosts quietly creeping up. I can see this in Ju-on and the Ring. I said we're more scared of psychos and serial killers than ghosts because they are real.

Not so much here, she said. So not scary.

I asked if she'd heard about the guy in Tokyo who killed the British English teacher and dumped her body in a tub full of sand. She nodded, smiled and asked if I wanted to watch another DVD of "It's Real!" So far there are 26 in the series.